To Do List

Vermont Gov. Phil Scott announced yesterday afternoon that the state’s public schools will not be reopening for the remainder of the school year. All instruction is to be done online between now and the middle of June. 

With one week of temporary unemployment under my belt and several more ahead of me, I decided it would be good to make a list of things I’d like to get done over the next few weeks. Looking over the final product, I discovered that I must have been pretty exhausted when I wrote it. Now I’m not sure which stuff is legit and which is just the result of anxiety and a lack of sleep.

Maybe you can figure it out?

Anyway, here’s the list.

ETHAN’S SHELTER-IN-PLACE TO DO LIST
• Shower every day
• Get dressed in grown-up work clothes every day (except weekends, Tuesdays that feel like Mondays, and Thursdays when Mercury is in retrograde)
• Write every day
• Do yoga daily
• Finish revisions on novel manuscript
• Start a manifesto of some sort (avoid Communism; it’s been done)
• Don’t shave beard
• Do shave tongue
• Keep front yard free of teens
• Start writing that fan fiction about Uncle Jesse from Full House meeting Uncle Jesse from Dukes of Hazzard
• Reorganize comic book collection by author
• Reorganize bologna collection by smell
• Reorganize anxious thoughts by degree of chest pain
• Rake out flower gardens
• Grocery shop only when absolutely necessary
• Sob uncontrollably whenever I darn well please
•Finally figure out which is more wholesome: Little House On the Prairie or The Waltons
• Create a piece of performance art representing the existential angst of our current reality and perform it daily on the empty road outside my house
• Get totally jacked
• Snap into a Slim Jim
• Stay Zestfully clean
• Stare into the abyss
• See if the abyss does, in fact, stare back
• Work on the score for Fart: The Musical
• Avoid making more lists

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