Wednesday, March 18, 2020
Hello. My name is Ethan Dezotelle, and it is with great excitement, pride, and hope that I hereby announce my candidacy to run Bartertown.
I have watched over the past several days as conditions have deteriorated not just locally or nationally, but globally.
I have seen the glimmer in a young boy’s eye at the sight of a box of Clorox wipes that he’ll use up by the end of the day, wiping down his Nintendo Switch. I have noticed the eager tremors of anticipation in a soccer mom’s hand as she reached for a 24-pack of Charmin before an elderly neighbor could get it. And I have witnessed the near-orgasmic satisfaction of a white dude who already owns several guns, buying another one because … well … because he can.
Yes, the days are early still. And I can hear you saying that I’m throwing my hat in the ring too soon. You think there’s still a long way to go before we’re in the Wastelands.
But I believe in planning for the long term. Sure, Bartertown might not exist yet, but it will. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week … but soon. Why not descend into chaos with a candidate you can trust?
At a flea market one time, I haggled with a dealer and got 100 comics for $20 instead of $25. And there was this one day that I found a day-old sandwich at the store, and I convinced the deli guy to mark it down a little bit. Not to mention the time I bought a car and a week later the headlight died. I went back to the dealership and said, “Hey, I’ve only had this car a week. Can you replace the headlight for free?” And do you know what? The guy did it.
Folks, I’m here to tell you today that I, Ethan Dezotelle, will put the “barter” in Bartertown.
And speaking of my car yes, I do, in fact, own a Subaru Outback instead of a mashed up, post-apocalyptic Land Rover outfitted with spare parts from other makes and models. I stand by that fact. It is not fake news. But I’m already working on some sick mods in my garage. I’m making a spoiler out of some old window blinds and balsa wood that I duct taped together, and I’m turning my crème brûlée torch into a wicked badass flamethrower that I’ll mount at the edge of the sunroof.
Note to the media: my vehicle will henceforth be referred to as the Trauma Llama.
Over the years, the art of bartering has been in steady decline. Replaced by remote, online bidding; “price is firm” signs, and people who know what they’re doing. My friends, it is time to make bartering great again. And with it, Bartertown, even though it doesn’t technically exist yet.
Now I know my opponents Master Blaster and Aunty Entity – who haven’t actually announced their candidacies yet, but I just know they will – have suggested (or will suggest) that I’m not the right person for the job. They are wrong. Simple as that.
Master Blaster is a cruel beast. You’ve heard how he treats his minions. It’s disgusting. Shameful. Master Blaster? More like Master Ass-ter. That’s pretty good, right?
Anyway, I pledge to treat my minions the way subjugated underlings deserve to be treated. So, you know, terribly, but not quite as terribly as Master Blaster Ass-ter treats them. I guarantee regular smoke breaks, and I’ll send a therapy dog down to the mines every once in a while to lift their spirits. Pretty nice, right?
As for Aunty Entity, she’s exactly the sort to introduce a wandering desert warrior into Bartertown, throwing the whole place into chaos. More chaos than will exist by the time Bartertown exists anyway. And that’s a hell of a lot of chaos. It would be mad. To the max, even.
So what we do, see, is we build a wall. It’ll go all the way around Bartertown, and it’ll keep out these desert weirdos. Especially ones that look like Mel Gibson. Aunty Entity will tell you we need a smaller wall, maybe, or a wall with more doors or something like that. Of course she’d tell you that. She’s crooked. Crooked Aunty.
God I’m good at nicknames.
Anyway, together, we can make Bartertown great again, once it exists.
Remember, a vote for Ethan is a vote for something.
Note to the media: Please find attached the high-resolution art for the campaign, including our official campaign slogan: Vote Dezotelle. We don’t need another hero.