2.29.24

Whatever it is I do

I try to think about you

I seek the sympathy and I can’t lie

Whatever it is I do

I’m only thinkin’ of you

I hope you look at me through patient eyes

I spent the afternoon time traveling.

I drove for four hours on a route that’s been part of my life for 31 years now. Back in the mid-‘90s, I drove from northern Vermont to the Portsmouth, NH/Kittery, ME, region quite often during the summer. My then-girlfriend (who would become my first wife and mother of our kids) worked in the area, and I made the trip most summer weekends.

As years went by, things changed, and I made the trip less and less. And when I did make it out, it was with kids who were growing older, with a new wife, with a changed view of the world. Now my youngest kid goes to college in the area, and I’m finding myself here more often.

Whatever the circumstance of the drive, it’s impossible to separate the journey from the music that blasted from my car stereo on those repeated trips in the summer of ‘93.

The bellowing comeback of Meatloaf with I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That). The inherent sexiness of Janet Jackson’s That’s the Way Love Goes. The ridiculous yet charming refrain of The Proclaimers’ I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles).

And the introspective mellowness of P.M. Dawn’s Looking Through Patient Eyes, from the duo’s 1993 album, The Bliss Album…? (Vibrations of Love and Anger and the Ponderance of Life and Existence).

Looking Through Patient Eyes was a song I turned on the radio wanting to hear. Because of all my traveling that summer, most of my money went to gas and food, so I wasn’t buying much in the way of cassettes. (I wouldn’t switch to CDs for a couple more years.) I found listening to P.M. Dawn to be an immersive experience that pushed the boundaries of my thoughts, and their lyrics suggested a spiritual world far beyond the narrow interpretation of Christianity that I’d been exposed to as a teen.

The way the song crept into my mind today is a testament to the power of P.M. Dawn’s way with words. As I let the lyrics roll around in my mind, I discovered that the song’s meaning had changed along with the context of my trip east.

My wife, dog, and I are here for a little getaway and a bit of time with the college kid. That’s a long way from the trips I made here as the youngest of a young adult.

In a similar way, P.M. Dawn wasn’t rapping and singing about matters spiritual or romantic anymore. Instead, the words reflected the struggles of a middle-aged father, husband, friend, and teacher.

Someone trying not to fuck things up. Someone looking for that magical point of balance to be everything he wants to be without giving short shrift to anyone he cares about. Someone who just wants to be decent in the midst of indecent times.

A hope for patient eyes. From everyone that guy loves. Including himself.