1/28/24

Three years ago, I was at the bottom of a metaphorical well, professionally speaking.

I was in a completely unexpected profession due to Covid, with the expectation hoisted upon me that I would take the reins of this nonprofit a few years down the road. I absolutely adored the people I was charged with caring for, but I also abhorred the job itself.

I’ll just say I’m not built to feel comfortable with collecting and raising the rent on the elderly and leave it at that. Affordable housing is necessary, and there are financial realities that go with that, but my heart couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t just view the residents as tenants.

Right around this time in 2021, the third-shift person was out with an injury, and due to staffing shortages, I took over their shift for a few weeks. It was a rough change of pace, and to avoid falling behind in my assistant manager role, I filled the downtime of those late night hours with completing paperwork, processing rent, planning the next fundraiser, and whatever else came up.

It wasn’t a great time.

Music has always been a companion in my work. As a kid, I used to bring my boom box to the barn with me to listen to as I did chores. The cows never seemed to mind. I always had the radio blaring when I worked for a dry cleaner during college. The shirts certainly didn’t care And on this particular round of third shift, I had Spotify going. I kept it low to avoid disturbing the sleeping residents.

It was a playlist generated based on Eddie Vedder’s Into the Wild soundtrack, and Imitation of Life came up in the rotation. It was around 2:30 in the morning, and I was sitting at a table in the facility’s dining room. The rent software was glitching, and I was on the verge of tears.

I’d heard the song plenty of times before and liked it just fine, but that was it. But it caught my ear this time, and I sat there and listen to it a few times in a row, staring out the windows into the darkness and crying.

Imitation of Life, from R.E.M.’s 2001 album, Reveal, is a song about the illusory nature of Hollywood. But I think it’s also got something to say about where we find ourselves (and sometimes put ourselves) as we pursue what we think it means to be an adult. It predicts the rise of grind culture and the emptiness that accompanies it.

I made it another half year or so in that job. I did what I could, the best I could. But I don’t do well with work if my heart’s not in it. I found my way back to the classroom and became a teacher.

Which makes that difficult time a necessary experience. It allowed me to grow, gain a better understanding of myself, and move on to what I believe I am truly meant to do.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Imitation of Life’s incredible video. It’s 20 seconds of activity, filmed on a dozen Super 8 cameras, with each section panned and scanned to fill out the song. It’s quite an achievement.

So is every day that finds me staying true to myself.

This lightning storm

This tidal wave

This avalanche, I’m not afraid

C’mon, c’mon no one can see me cry